atsween:

For all the pretty little girls.

I feel awful now. It has nothing to do with the exam season (yet), and the more I go on like this struggling with things I kinda have control of, but don’t want to do anything about, I feel like i’m inching inevitably toward flunking prelims. Maybe its because somethings in life are bigger than the exams right now. Find it hard to believe I’m saying this because this time on Thursday last week, I was breaking out in cold sweat because I realised how much i wanted to get out of this * country and go far away to study liberal arts in america. i need a new life, a new set of friends, and a new set of memories. everywhere i look in this place i am haunted by things i do not like, but have no courage to change.

no courage to change. i always have this struggle about change. how do you know when you should change things? or just leave them be? when you no longer feel loved and wanted by one person- do you just leave? or do you just hang around and let the ghost of past memory choke you and SQUEEZE life out of you? or what happens when someone’s love makes you feel trapped, and you just want to break free{less dramatic- RUN AWAY}. do you?

live life for yourself, that’s what some people have told me. if you’re not happy, why do you stand it? just do things to make you happy. but Jesus told us in the bible to put others before self, to love your neighbour as yourself, not more than yourself. treat as you would like to be treated. don’t do damage where damage cannot heal.{this part is just me heh}

so that’s why i’m letting wounds fester, and ooze green pus, because i am bad at conflict management.

yesterday, i got really angry. i think i dealt with it the best i could, but i still feel awful, like little cockroaches eating up my insides. why? because sometimes, some conflicts are just symptoms of a larger more malignant disease. and i just have no more fight left.